TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of area. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, certain, let's have An additional area wherever American Adult males can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer Anyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Area, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception Trump Tower Damascus is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting focus from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD may have transform-down service."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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